Victims of Fanfiction Anonymous
by Hecatonchires
Summary: Part inspired by Fight Club, half inspired by the silly things people make characters do in fanfictions. (Go read Delphine's rather interesting fanfic "LoM" to see what I mean)


Elazul sat back and sighed. This was going to be another long session, he could tell. Tonight was his first night at Victims of Legend of Mana Fanfiction Anonymous, and he was already bored. Of course, the looks on the other's faces was rather amusing during his first-timers speech... His mind wandered to 15 minutes earlier.  
"Hi. I'm Elazul." He waited for the perfunctory "Hi, Elazul" from the audience before continuing "I'm a victim of fanfiction. I personally can't believe the stuff the fangirls have me doing in some of their stuff, but-" He glared until the audience stopped snickering. "But, I can assure you that I am neither shy, misunderstood, nor bad at expressing my feelings. I mean, can't a guy be just plain MEAN every now and then?" A small cry of "Go, Elazul!" in the back was met with another glare.  
"Ah, that's wonderful that you can express yourself so..." Glare. "Freely. Please have a seat," Miss Yuka finished.  
A voice snapped Elazul back to the present. "And all these people insisting that I'm a troubled child or just trying to make her happy... I'm a demon, darnit! I destroy stuff! That's what I DO!" Socializing. Elazul could tell already he wasn't cut out for this club. If he was going to enjoy himself here, he'd have to work for it. Fortunately, from everyone's expectant looks, he could tell it was his turn to speak. He took a deep breath.  
"Does the word 'lemon' strike fear into your hearts?!" Rubens gawped at him. Miss Kathinja seemed to have trouble reattaching her jaw. Daena seemed about to say something, but whatever it was is now forever lost. Irwin just snickered. "Hey, at least I CAN be in lemons, you're stuck in the underworld for who knows how long with only Shadoles for company," Elazul shot. Irwin's pained expression told Elazul that he'd hit a nerve. Irwin's size told Elazul to back off. Oh, well, his work was done here.  
"Let's... Move on, shall we?" squawked Yuka, eager to move past the awkward moment. "Let's do one-on-one, shall we? I want everyone to pick a partner, hug, and just let your problems go."  
Elazul rolled his eyes. At least it couldn't be THAT bad... Five minutes later in the deathgrip of a fully-grown demon changed that notion rather quickly. Elazul had lost all the feeling in his lower body, but it was just as well, since his feet weren't touching the floor anyway. Maybe ticking off the demon on his first night wasn't such a good idea. Ah, he finally seemed to be winding down from his rant about destroying the world to prove his love, or something along those lines. Elazul wasn't listening, he was instead trying to see the bright side of the issue: Every bone in his body was crushed, but at least his core was alright.  
"But now that I'm dead, I think I can put these things into perspective," the demon concluded. "So, your turn. Just say what's on your mind."  
Elazul thought a moment. "Well... Being the most popular character in the game isn't easy, you know. Everywhere I go, I have legions of fangirls chasing me... Asking for my autograph, begging for dates, wanting to know what rock parts I have besides my arm..."  
"That's... That's terrible," Irwin moaned. "It must be so HARD for you! I just... I..." Tears started forming in the oversized creature's eyes as he buried Elazul's face in his chest.  
"NO! WAIT! DON'T DO-" But Elazul was too late. He was now being lifted off the floor in the crushing embrace of a soggy-faced demon statue. "Mphh. Mph, mm. Mmph?!" Elazul flailed desperately, but to no avail. Finally, after what seemed like ages, he heard a chirpy voice in his ear.  
"Well, I'm happy to see you two are getting along so well! The meeting's over, so we're all going to have some ice cream, but we'll leave the lights on for you two! Be sure to shut them off before you leave! Ta-ta!"  
Elazul's muffled screams faded into silence as Miss Yuka's footsteps receded into nothingness. It was going to be a long night, indeed.  



End file.
